If you ever get kicked out of a country…
Not movie-worthy, just yet, but hopefully will serve a guide to the sorry first-world mortals who are expecting this from some pseudo-progressive nations of the world. Maybe after a century, when humankind progresses to a no-border format, this will qualify as an atrocity. Until then, my friends, we shall remain the most ignored peeps of this generation (close third after starving kids and dying whales). Lost a visa? Or may lose one? Let’s address this elephant in the room…
I am not gonna lie and will give it straight. Getting pushed out from a country sucks, mostly because a lot of people around you would remind you thus. When someone gets cancer, people try to keep that off the limits in discussions or annoy your family in hushed whispers. But not when your visa expires or misses a renewal… People want to know every detail. Even strangers, potential recruiters, random peeps you meet at the gym or the desi cashiers get curious if you are shopping on, say, Wednesday afternoon. My advice, give them a lot of details and ask for help. If they offer any actionable advice or favors, make this bunch your new friends. For others, who just act curious just to go back home to giggle on your misfortune in their bathroom time, you know what to do about them. Ask Satya, he ‘hit refresh’ on his social circle and no longer talks to most of his friends near Charminar if they ask him for free O365 licenses.
Sadly, a third of my posts past year have been on emigration, but statistically, these seem to be the ones people want to read about. Hopefully, this read will help you plan your (unplanned) exit.
I probably overdo disclaimers and here comes another one, I don’t necessarily subscribe to all the potential actions listed on this blog or post but hey, you probably just got thrown out and may not have a job, so, when it comes down to your survival, you get to chose which animal you wish to be. I was a baby tiger. An underweight, baby tiger. There were no laws. I was banished. I had to leave everything behind. Everything, except hope. And my passport. And whatever fit in my check-in plus carry-ons within a week’s notice.
There are three basic types of folks among those who get catapulted (for no apparent reason), the egoistic turtles who leave likely never to return, the sly wolves who depart with the intent to return and then a woodpecker type that is always on the fence about the basic life choices like the pineapple toppings on a pizza. C’mon pecky, pick a side already!
‘Never to return’ turtles:
First things first, if you have less than 10 days to leave the country, just sell everything off or hand it over someone you trust in the decreasing order of asset’s net worth. This is a very important choice, people make stupid decisions when it comes to picking the person they trust, especially when they are vulnerable. If you are one of those, spread your assets among multiple people. If you do not have multiple people who can help you out, add it to the list of things you hate about yourself as you lay your eggs on the beach never to return.
The next important consideration — mortgage. Know that debt in one country does not impact your credit rating in another. Ask Vijay Mallya. This is not a piece of moral or financial advice but an important consideration. You can even drive your car to the airport parking lot if you are going for good, never to return. Also note that this is not the wisest choice, just a fairly common last resort during the 2008 recession, nonetheless. Oh, also, those credit cards are not going to max out themselves on your way out.
Avoid thoughts like the ones I just described! Because if you are a fighter, albeit a tiny one, you can and will return to sate whatever unquenched desire that got you here in the first place. Or not. Maybe you are happy to call it a ride and explore another terrain.
‘Intent to return’ wolves:
If you intend to return though, announce to the world that you are about to be kicked out. Maybe host a party. Call it ‘Not the end of the world party’. You will be surprised by how many of your kin show up to bid you goodbye and reach out to offer help. Prepare yourself to be disappointed when you find out that a small chunk just hovered over for the disco lights. But a significant fraction will help you in ways you did not expect. These are your forwarding addresses and godparent candidates for your progeny. It helps to identify folks who can provide some immediate support because the road ahead is about to get bumpy.
On-the-fence-about-pineapple-toppings-on-the-pizza-or-not-woodpecker types:
Pray to the God of your choice and ask for some decisiveness. You are going to need it for what lies ahead. If you are always on the fence about some decision, good odds you belong to a polytheist religion like the woodpeckers, who are mostly Hindus. (You read it here first. It just a matter of some researcher proving it in his boring thesis.) Or possibly worse, you are an agnostic, like the owls (topic for another white paper on theozoology); in which case, may all the Gods from all beliefs, help you find the God of your choice… The cub wasn’t much of an animal of prayer, and see what happened…
Hopefully, you know which bucket you fall in. Now, let us walk through a few likely questions that you WILL have to answer, often repeatedly, to yourself, your grandma, in-laws, neighbors and anyone who suddenly of the blue seems to get overly curious.
How many months can I go without earning?
It is basic 4th-grade math. Add up your expenses each month, eliminate (then subtract) recurring expenses (these include rent, insurance, phone), then divide your total disposable savings, the answer will give you how many months you have got to figure out your next move. This math will help you migrate to a new country or go back to your home country. (Heads up, there is a dark irony with the ‘home country’ piece which you are about to experience once you are back.) On the math, just subtract a couple of months cause things just keep going south from here. Ok? This # is now our key motivator.
Am I employable? How do I land a new job?
People will try to leverage your vulnerability. If you got the skills you can still negotiate, globally. Approximately 750 to 1000 applications, spammed and targeted at different industries and functions with resumes highlighting different keywords can land you at least 10 jobs across the globe. For this to happen it helps to be open to critical feedback. Stay away from the diplomatic folks who reserve their opinion, you want the straight shooters to do this for you, the more confrontational the individual, the better. Try taking perspectives from your frenemies, perhaps even enemies. This spam will give us a hit ratio of 75:1 between 100:1. But the law of large numbers applies. Try not to start with the Google’s and the Amazon’s of the world. Also, ask the Man in the Glass. Or the woman. They really know if you are employable.
What are some modes of income in the interim?
If you are modestly entrepreneurial, you can easily sustain by volunteering as a research subject, product tester, game playtester and doing gigs of your choice on craigslist, freelancer.com and getting some part-time work from past connections and references.
If the stars align, you may even reconsider going back to work. But stars are moody as we know them to be and hate people both randomly, yet equally. For the cub, the stars just wouldn’t budge. This went on for what seemed like an eternity.
The noise of attempted humor aside, it is fairly easy to make living expenses legitimately if you can jump around a few hoops. Hint, think gift cards. Always non-taxable. More often, accepted modes of payments for gigs.
Who is my kin? Does this matter?
Most mature folks will silently help you through the first couple of months. Inquisitive minds should go straight to the (s)hit list, perhaps to be shared with an assassin later. We will talk about where to find those in a bit. The gems who help you, on the other hand, are very important people for your future self because unlike family, you get to chose them and unlike shrinks, time with them is not billed by the hour.
Try to seek help from friends that come from different walks of life in this newfound time. If you don’t have friends from different walks of life, you are a close-minded snob and now with no job and no visa. Deal with it. jk, don’t cry. Go out there and make new these new sets of friends in this newfound time. At the same time, I can’t iterate this enough, weeding out the inquisitive will save you a lot of time. Use the excuse generator.
How do I maintain my sanity?
Travel. This doesn’t have to be at your own expense. If you get enough on-site interviews, you will get to see friends, new places and if you do these right, the flights and visas will be sponsored. Spend a birthday with mom, go to a destination engagement, go camping, fly kites, see the tribal people, kayak, visit national parks, visit your childhood friends, take train rides across the country. Any country. Take pics. Avoid humans in the pics.
Vent, if you have to. Try to vent with different people though. If you rotate well, you may just lose a small set of people. I have never seen a shrink but most folks I know are married for a while now and can probably make good counselors or philosophers, mostly both. The economics of this setup also helps with depression.
(Ex) employers, (ex) colleagues and all ‘ex’s. What to do with them?
Play super nice. Whether it was a change in immigration policies, sheer incompetence by the visa filing team, sloppy communication between folks, wrong officer evaluating your case, the right officer in the wrong mood, ignorant supervisor or just a bad draw in the lottery, it would be in your best interests to play super nice with everyone. Rants are for hollow tree barks. Ping me and I shall tell you where to find one.
You will miss your ability to think clearly, which makes assuming good intent helpful as you go to the hollow bark. People generally act with your best interests but a few key distinctions are crucial and will save you from burning bridges - an immigration case co-ordinator’s competence does not equate to entire immigration team’s competence, an incompetent immigration team does not mean that your employer lost their charm, an employer losing the charm of an early romance does not mean that the relationships you built over the years are any less valuable and finally, few undesirable experiences should not make you a misanthrope. These distinctions will begin to get blurry when you are on the plane back to your home country. The key point, compartmentalize and play super nice and you will be surprised by how many people come to offer help. The other key point, emotions are governed by the monkey brain. Don’t let those take over.
Whatever happened to the baby tiger, my friend? The underweight one?
After getting inspired by the fresh couch experiences in the newfound time before the television, the cub discovered its true passion. After 750+ applications, 50+ calls with different firms, a lot of convincing for visa sponsorship and 5 visa attempts with different firms and immigration teams, the cub accepted the position of an Assistant to the Regional Manager. The role is not, unfortunately, in Scranton, Pennsylvania. The other downside is that there may not be any paper selling.
Most importantly, don’t take this post, the advice, or your life seriously. Oh, that assassin thing? I wasn’t serious. Why? Did anyone go missing? Well, the Amazon is burning, we are all going to die anyway…
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